The importance of asking for what you want

I want to ask you this: how many times have you asked for what you really wanted, in regards to receiving or giving pleasure? Of the times you received pleasure, did you receive what you deeply craved? Were you able to change that, correct something, change tact and how did that feel? What I came to understand, spending those 5 days with other co-workers, was that there are very feel times that we are encouraged to stop and make the time to feel into our body, for as long as we need to, and to really let our body tell us deeply what it wanted in that moment. 

In April, I attended a 5 day course on the Wheel of Consent taught by the person who invented the term and theory, Dr Betty Martin. During these 5 days we discussed the nature of consent, how it effects our work and how we can teach people to consent in a way which is embodied. We spent a great deal of time thinking and learning how we can teach people to create the space in themselves to receive and give more pleasure in their lives and most importantly, to really feel into what they want.

There were many exercises, there were many discussions, most people had revelations. I can't summarise what we learnt in those 5 days, I do encourage you all to go and learn with Betty on one of her courses or on a course for those who have trained with her. But the main thing I wish to address in this blog, is the concept that you can go to see a professional in the adult industry, be that a dominatrix, a massage therapist, sex worker... and that they know what you want or that they can give you what you want without you explaining what that is or might look like. The number of times I have had book a session to see me and when I ask them what they would like to explore with me, they reply 'whatever you would like' or 'I just want to try something' is huge. I know this is a daunting task. I know that we are not often given the time or space to address these questions.

I am not a mind reader and this is why it is so important that you have spent some time really thinking and feeling into what you desires might be. If you come to see me and you ask me to do whatever I want, I feel as though you have not given your own fantasies enough time to grow or felt into your desire enough for us to create something together. Having a simple fantasies are fine, I do not need a script for our time together, but having no fore planning as to what our time together might look like or cover can lead to us being unable to co-creating a scene. That is what we are doing in our time together, co-creating an experience. If I have no map and no directions we are in unchartered territory. Also my desires for the session and yours might not align and due to the power structures of our time together I do not wish for you to be a voyeur in my experience, but instead be a co-creator in our combined creation. Be in a space where you are an active participant with me, creating your erotic footprints with me. I want to explore and adventure with you but I can only do this safely if we both know the directions which we are intending on going to.

You are allowed to change your mind, discover something you do not like, find your desires have changed. I welcome these experiences with you. It is always important that you relay your feelings and emotions around the scene we are creating together so that I can assess and change as necessary. 

So next time you see a dominatrix, or a sex worker of any kind, come with an idea, a spark, something you have always wanted to try but haven't yet had a chance to. For this is where the exciting things happen.

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